what I thought my life would look like at 29

I remember being in my late teens and early 20s seeing those older (and probably wiser) than me post things like this. Reminding you that life is actually longer than you think and telling you that you have time to do the things you’re trying to rush through in your 20s. I remember thinking those people were sad people who failed at life and they’re trying to make themselves feel better about it. I would never be one of those people because I was going to be successful. I was going to do the things I set out to do, achieve the goals that I had, build the life of my dreams. I wasn’t going to be a sad, washed-up woman in her late 20s trying to convince myself that I was happy with my failures. I didn’t just think these things, I said them out loud, to the people in my life, to myself, to the internet. I posted it. If you scroll back in my social media archives you’ll see it. If you’ve followed me since I was 21 you might even remember me saying it on stories, in reels, and through long captions with pretty pictures. I probably even have some sort of blog post (or multiple) relating to it. I was sure.

We plan, God laughs.

If you asked 21 year old me where she thought 29 year old me would be she would have confidently told you that I would be a successful entrepreneur. A millionaire at least. I would be in her dream house (5 bedrooms, a mix of colonial and farmhouse styles, wrap around porch for sure, huge master bathroom, big kitchen, 40 acres). She would have told you that I had my first kid at 25 and probably had another and there was probably one on the way, we were making that family of 4 happen. She would have confidently told you that this is what my life would look like.

She was wrong about me and she would be extremely disappointed with what her life looked like at 29. I’m actually getting kind of sad writing this because I can still so vividly feel who I was, what I thought, and how I felt at 21. Don’t get it twisted though, this isn’t a poor me my life sucks post. Her and I are completely different people and I actually like my life the way that it’s turned out thus far. Would I be happy if I hit all of those goals? I don’t know. I’d like to think so. I certainly hope so (but also it doesn’t really matter because none of that happened so whether or not I’d have been happy is completely irrelevant).

21 year old me would be utterly shocked to find out that the home we purchased back then is still the home we’re living in now. Same property. Damn near the same house (with a few minor tweaks). But 29 year old me likes that house and realizes that I really don’t need anything bigger or grander right now or perhaps ever. I like that it’s cozy, I appreciate that we have some land, I like that we’re on a relatively quiet dead end road, I like that I can really do whatever I want without anyone bothering me, and I especially like that it’ll be paid off before I’m 40. Do I wish I had a dishwasher, kitchen counter space, and a bigger bathroom? Yep, sure do, but I’ve lived here for 11 years and I’ve been just fine.

These last few years have taught me that even though I don’t have my dream house on my dream land, I do have a great house for hosting, and I love hosting. Planning and preparing a cohesive menu, designing a table scape, and washing every single dish by hand when it’s over is worth getting to spend time with and feed the people I’m trying to foster genuine connections with. I knew at 21 I would have the house for hosting but I didn’t think I was standing in the house I would host in.

Monetarily, I wouldn’t consider myself successful at all. Grocery prices stress me out and buying a new fridge, washing machine, and water softener in the same month made me pretty sad financially. I don’t drive a brand new car or carry designer handbags and I can’t take near as many trips as I’d hoped to be able to by my late 20s. The businesses I had then (and still have today) certainly aren’t booming and I’m not rolling in the cash. Financial freedom is still something I dream about having, that definitely hasn’t changed in the last eight years.

I don’t have the luxury of not worrying about what groceries cost but I do have groceries and I actually know what to do with them. I find myself making everything from scratch lately. I want to know the ingredients in my food so that I know exactly what I’m feeding the people that I love. It’s funny because I thought it would be so difficult… obviously we had to create fake food with a billion ingredients because making it at home is impossible… it’s incredibly easy and nine times outta ten I already have the ingredients I need in my pantry. I’m able to do so much more with the food that I do have. It’s really true what they say about that prefrontal cortex.

I don’t have any children but I do have a husband that says things like I was reading the bible the other day… I’m married to a man that truly represents what it means to love your wife the way Christ loved the church. He leads our household in a way I could have only dreamed and I actually enjoy the biblical role of a wife (something 21 year old me would not see coming). I’ve learned so much about being the heart of the household and I love it. I feel very fulfilled and content with this role, it makes me really happy, like I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. My husband and I are working as one whereas in the past we’d worked as two teammates on the same team.

This last year of my life has been incredibly transformative. God has pruned the dead branches (though pruning doesn’t feel like an accurate description, it felt like he was dismantling my life piece by piece) and at one point it really felt like I would have no branches left. It was difficult to say the least. But then He brought me into a group of women that I wouldn’t have expected and we get together and study the word… under my leadership. Leading a local bible study full of women who don’t even go to the same church was certainly not on my bingo card.

This last year taught me that God doesn’t promise a beautiful, prosperous life filled with all the worldly things you could ever want. Does it happen for some believers? Absolutely. And that’s the hard thing to accept (because I’m human and it’s not fair). We can’t know why God does the things that he does or creates certain lives for certain people. No matter how hard we work or how much faith we have we aren’t promised a good life in this world but we are promised eternal life. This has probably been one of the hardest things for me to grasp personally because I was once of the belief that I could make anything happen for myself, by myself (while simultaneously believing that God had a plan… make that one make sense). Sometimes this realization feels like giving up, if that makes sense? On one hand, I still believe in hard work and I believe that you need to choose to walk the path that the Lord has for you but I also don’t believe that I can have strong faith and bend my life into looking exactly how I want it to look. I think the key thing here is getting silent with God to really hear what he wants to say to you and accepting that you might be waiting a while to hear from him and you might not hear what you want to hear.

Man am I bad about getting silent with the Lord. There’s something I’ve wanted for a while now and, without going into crazy detail because I’m not ready for that yet, technically I could make it happen at any given time. I could have it but I don’t. Recently, I’ve felt this strong urge toward getting it and I told my husband that I’m ashamed because I can’t tell if this strong urge is God telling me it’s time, the devil trying to trick me into ruining my entire life, or just my human self wanting something. Of course I need to get quiet at the feet of Jesus to really figure it out.

I wish I could articulate my thoughts better for you but this is what I’ve got. If anyone out there is still reading, thanks for being here and supporting my writing and if you’re 21 reading about a sad lady who failed at life… I feel you.