tips for communicating more effectively

How are your communication skills? With your significant other, family, friends, coworkers, or just in general? Are you communicating your wants, needs, and feelings effectively or does it feel like you’re constantly talking to a wall?

Before Dylan and I got married we thought we had great lines of communication. We had been together for eight years before we got married and we made it that far, it had to be good right? It wasn’t bad by any means but we found out that there was a lot of room for improvement.

When we were in premarital counseling (100% recommend by the way) we learned some pretty simple but very vital things about each other that we should have known and we would have known them had we just told each other.

For example, I learned Dylan hates when I yell during fights and Dylan learned that I hate when he leaves during fights. This was the way we fought and the way we witnessed fighting, this was normal for us and we had no idea that the other actually hated the way we fought just as much, if not more, than the fight itself.

I used to yell which would make Dylan want to leave to cool off for a bit which would make me want to yell even more and the cycle continued. At that point, you’re just mad about the way the other person fights more than you’re mad about whatever it is your fighting about. What a mess.

We never told each other that those things drove us nuts. How stupid is that? If we had just said “hey I hate when you yell,” or “hey, I hate when you take off,” our fights could have improved a long time ago (note that I said improved, you’re still gonna fight).

Some tips I have for effective communication:

Use I statements rather than you statements

“I feel like you aren’t listening to me,” vs “you’re not listening to me.” See the difference? The I statement let’s them know how you feel, the you statement is an accusation and usually causes a defensive reaction.

Listen to them, don’t just hear them

Shutting your mouth and letting the other person talk is a vital part of communication but it goes deeper than that. Listening isn’t just hearing them speak. Listening means taking it in, trying to understand where they’re coming from, trying to view things from their perspective, actually trying to understand what and why they’re feeling a certain way.

Don’t talk about important issues when you’re tired or drinking

Ooooh this is a big one. “Don’t go to bed angry,” I’m going to tell you right now that it’s okay to go to bed angry, and sometimes it’s better. If you’re exhausted, you’ll be more irritable. It’s not worth arguing with someone when you’re just trying to be right so you can go to bed (trust me, I’ve done it).

Drinking is another one you just don’t want to throw in the mix. Whether you’re a happy drinker or an angry drinker, it’s not the time to discuss important matters, it clouds everything.

Talk about what you need during hard times

What I need when I’m struggling and what Dylan needs when he’s struggling are two completely different things. When I struggle, I usually need to feel it first but then I need someone to snap me out of it. Let me watch my movies, drink my coffee, and just be there with me, but don’t let it get out of control. Eventually, I need tough love, solutions, advice, all of the things. What Dylan needs is very different. When he struggles, he doesn’t respond to solutions and tough love, it causes him to shut down and makes him feel that I am not validating his feelings. He needs me to just be there for him, to listen and comfort, he will eventually come out of whatever it is that he’s going through on his own. We know this about each other now and we can be there for each other the way that the other needs us to be.

If you need space, tell them. If you need tough love, tell them. If you need someone to just sit with you, tell them. We (us women, especially) really want people to just know what we need without ever actually saying it. We don’t want to tell them because we feel that invalidates their intentions. It doesn’t. People aren’t mind-readers and they don’t know what we need all of the time, we have to be willing to communicate our wants and needs when it’s necessary.